There are two kinds of people in the world: those who are addicted to the glory of “Cheez-Its”:http://www.cheez-it.com/, and those who, tragically, are unable to perceive that glory. Among Cheez-It lovers I am somewhat cavalier in that I tolerate and even approve of the recent glut of new flavors. Cheddar Jack, White Cheddar, and Hot ‘n’ Spicy are all very good, though Parmesan & Garlic definitely crosses some sort of line.
Now, all new, we have “Cheez-It Twisterz”:http://twisterz.cheez-it.com/, which abandon the cracker paradigm altogether. They consist of two elongated parts of differing flavors twisted together. But that’s just the gimmick — more importantly, they have a little bit more substance than your average Cheez-It, and a more generous dose of finger-staining flavory goodness, too. The varieties available so far are “Cheddar & More Cheddar” and “Hot Wings and Cheesy Blue.”
What twisted mind came up with HW&CB? In what sort of depraved environment would it occur to anyone to capture the taste of buffalo wings in a _snack cracker_? Please note, too, that it’s not “Hot Wings and Blue Cheese” — a description that would no doubt violate any number of truth-in-labelling FDA regulations. No, here we have “Cheesy Blue,” a description that makes no concrete claim as to the snack’s cheese content, only its _blueness_. Terrifying.
I don’t know who came up with it, but give that man a prize. I bought a box — to try them just once, you understand, in the spirit of inquiry — and lordy, are they tasty. It will take a fair bit of self-control to see to it that they last until gaming night tomorrow, which is the occasion I told myself I was buying them for.
Mind you, I’d take actual buffalo wings over HW&CB C-I Ts any day. What makes them so delightful is in part the unlikeliness of it: we might call it the Scariness-to-Taste Factor, or STF. Also in this category are chips & cheese when the label on the cheese dip doesn’t say “cheese” at all but “processed cheese food.” Somehow the guilt and fear that must be overcome in order to ingest them make them taste way better than they should. Pork rinds have an astronomically high Scariness level but nevertheless a low STF because, for me anyway, they’re not tasty. In retrospect, Pop Rocks had a very high STF, especially if you were a kid and believed “the stories”:http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/poprocks.htm about them.
READER: No posts on the blog for five days, and you finally come to light again talking about _Cheez-Its_?!
NATE: (breaks for the exit)