Jaiwatch Part IV: The End of Jaiwatch?

I have some very bad news. Many of you have commended me for my strong stand against Jai of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”:http://www.bravotv.com/Queer_Eye_for_the_Straight_Guy/ and my public calls for him to be removed from the show. Sometimes it’s hard to know just how one man can make a difference in the world, but when I first saw Jai I knew that someone had to speak out, and that I was going to be the one to do it. I feel that my campaign is really only getting off the ground, but now it looks as if it may be cut short all too soon. You see, I no longer have access to cable television, including Bravo, and so I’m no longer able to watch the show.

This is not particularly surprising, in that Polytropos HQ does not _pay_ for cable television. As I’ve noted, my long drama with the cable company ended in total victory, with HQ getting all the standard channels while only paying for the bare-bones “basic cable.” But now, it seems, some work order has made its way through the bureaucratic morass, and a switch somewhere has been thrown. It’s possible that the sudden loss of all but the broadcast channels is an anomaly that will reverse itself, but I doubt it.

I can count the reasons I will miss cable on two fingers: “Jon Stewart”:http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/thedailyshowwithjonstewart/ and Queer Eye. It’s a small deal in the greater scheme of things, but it does mean that this blog will have to cease providing a valuable public service. If you read this, and you live in Metro D.C., and you will be taping the show anyway, let me know if I can borrow said tapes, and I will continue the Jaiwatch in glorious bursts of passionate critique. But I don’t think I’m going to ask anyone to tape the show just for my sake, because that would be . . . what’s the word I’m looking for? . . . pathetic. (From the balcony: “Too late!” Just had to say it before Malcolm could put it in the comments.)

And so, for what may be the final Jaiwatch segment, I have a surefire test involving the Fab Five. Ladies, let’s say you’ve just met this guy at “Iota”:http://www.iotaclubandcafe.com/ and he’s positively _dreamy_, but you’re not sure if he’s a classy “metrosexual”:http://www.wordspy.com/words/metrosexual.asp or if he’s straight-up gay, as it were. You’re lookin’ for love tonight, not somebody to go shoe-shopping with, so it’s fairly important. How do you find out in no time flat with a minimum of fuss? Simple. Ask the gent this question:

“Who’s your favorite cast member of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?”

Then refer to the following chart:

|”What the f*** are you talking about?”|Not gay.|
|”Ted”|Definitely not gay.|
|”Kyan”|If pronounced ‘KAI-en’, not gay, otherwise inconclusive but tending towards gay.|
|”Thom”|Inconclusive, unless pronounced in any way that clearly distinguishes it from ‘Tom’, in which case, definitely gay.|
|”Jai”|Both gay and a poor judge of character.|
|”Carson”|Either a straight guy posing as a gay guy, or clinically insane, or both.|